Chapters 4-6

As strange as it may sound, I find some of the stories mentioned in chapter 4 to be helpful things to read.  Helpful as a father to two girls (so far).  I was raised in a family with all boys, and did not get to see a daughter raised.  I would like to think that some good things would come naturally but I find that reading books like this help me to know even more what I need to do to be a good father to my daughters.  To say, "I love you" "You are beautiful" and to just generally cherish them.  At the same time its sobering, as I think about how little the missteps that can be so damaging can be.  Its just a painful reminder that try as hard as I might, I will not be the Father that they need.  I cannot provide for them in every emotional/spiritual way to truly make them whole.  I need to trust and point my daughters to their true Father in heaven.  Those are some of the impressions that I took out of Chapter 4.

Chapter 5 is one that relates very closely to Emily.  She has always struggled with feeling lonely.  In the worst of times, there are clear things to point to like the hard time we had finding good friends for her to hang out with when we first moved out here, because people are so dang busy.  However, even in the best of times, there is constant struggle with feeling alone, like people do not understand, or do not care.  Sure there may be little affronts or cases of neglect, but as her husband (and being a male) I can see how the Devil preys on every little foothold to try to isolate her more and more.  And it is a struggle for me to help, as I am so weak sometimes.  Sometimes it is easier just to wimp out and let her be alone, because in her isolation she will just push me away anyway, so why make the effort to push past those defenses.  Or I'm just too frustrated, because I can just see that she's believing the lies in her head, so I don't understand why she can't just stop thinking that way.  I think, slowly, through this tragedy with Emily's mom something in me has stirred though about more on how to "be there".  And really, that's all I can do.  As a guy I want to fix it, speak the truth have her believe it and move on.  With this tragedy, I realize, there is no fix, at least certainly none I can provide.  All I can do is listen, hold her and encourage her to not go cold.  To feel everything.  Hopefully, I can remember these lessons learned as we continue in our lives.  Hopefully I can continue to pursue her and stand by her, even when tragedy isn't so deep that it forces me to finally be a man.  

Chapter 6, that talked about healing, I probably wimped out on.  There is much in my own heart and past that I probably could benefit from dealing with, but kind of glosses over because this is a book for women, but really I think that was more me wimping out.  Perhaps if I reread this book or this chapter, I'll actually give this chapter a chance to be more reflective on my own life, rather than just pondering how it speaks to women.

Arousing Adam (Or whatever male you have)

I'm guessing I'm being looked at to speak to this chapter since I'm married...not sure if that's fair or not, but here are a few thoughts I've had.

First, as a wife I can say that I've witnessed "Adam's wound" as it played out in the life of my own husband. Even the best raised of little boys come from fallen parents and thus struggle with their identity, their masculinity and their role as the "Hero." I've had to watch my own husband struggle through several of these issues and while I hope that I have been supportive, I don't think I can take credit for "fixing" him in any way. Rather God has had to work in his life the way God has had to work in my life. Still, offering my support when he struggles is vitally important. Affirming him when he feels down is one of the best things I can do, be that an encouraging word, a listening ear, a back rub, a nice meal or yes girls, even sex.

At the same time I also need to point out how strongly this quote holds true, "You cannot take your Question to Adam. You cannot look to him for the validation of your soul." (pg 151) Believe me, it's true, I've tried. No matter how great my husband is at times he cannot fill that deepest longing in my soul. I can't even begin to list how many times I have looked to him to try and fill me up and meet my every need when I am hurting, angry, insecure etc. I then become more upset, angry and often lash out at him when he fails to be "perfect" and make everything the way I think it should be. His job is to love, encourage, complete me, but he isn't God and too often I turn him into a semi-god to try and meet all of my needs. Only God can do that, something that has become oh so apparent in this past month. There are a lot of things my husband does right, and many ways he's loved and supported me lately, but when it comes to the deep, painful achings of the heart, he is only human. Only God can meet us in those places.

I love that John and Stasi use the terms Emasculating, Desolate and Arousing Women. The conjure up such vivid images for me and also cut to the heart of the matter without getting caught up in physical descriptions. I know I want to be an arousing woman, and yet I know at times I play the part of the emasculating and desolate woman. Probably most women do at some point. Far too often I demand and try to push, shove, boss or manipulate my husband into what I want instead of simply trying to be alluring. I'm guessing he'll tell you which works best...

Finally, I think it is really important to reiterate what is written near the end of this chapter...

"Be careful you do not offer too much of yourself to a man until you have good, solid evidence that he is a strong man willing to commit. Look at his track record with other women...does he have any close male friends--and what are they like as men? Can he hold down a job? Is he walking with God in a real and intimate way? Is he facing the wounds of his own life.....your heart is a treasure and we (I!!) want you to offer it only to a man who is worthy and ready to handle it well." (pg 164)

No man is perfect, no man demonstrates all these things all the time in a great way. But some men are trying harder than others and they are the ones that will keep trying and I wouldn't want anyone I love to settle for less than they can possibly have. You all deserve the best.

Beauty From Pain

I have a lot to say here. or rather to quote, copy and muse on, so please bear with me. I will post on Chap 9 separately because of the long nature of this post.

Chapter 7 - I admit I did find this chapter a bit strange. I mean the idea of God romancing us in a well, frankly romantic way still seems a bit funny to me. I understand it, but I don't think I'm entirely comfortable with it...yet. It is probably something I need to work on. It all makes sense, all those analogies in the Bible about Christ and his bride...I guess I've rarely heard it written about in such intimate terms. Like I said, sounds correct but something I need to work on being comfortable with in my own life. Any thoughts?

Chapter 8 - I have a lot to say on this Chapter. A lot of chords hit home with me. First, I think this is an excellent chapter on beauty. I agree with the description and the struggles it talks about. Even though I am happily married, I still struggle big time with the beauty concept. Even though I get told I'm beautiful by someone I trust, I still doubt him. I think the book hit on it when it said that we don't feel beautiful because of fear...somehow I keep coming back to that one in my life.

The beginning pages talk about how the strength in a man protects the (real) beauty in a woman. I have to say I understand that better in the past weeks. Chris has had to stand between me and a lot of pain, fear, hurt, and good intentions from others during this difficult time. He's been my buffer and dealt with the nastier, more hurtful and more difficult people and situations, protecting my wounded and bleeding heart from he worst onslaughts of the world during this time. I can't say that I can see beauty in myself or the situation yet, but I know that in the long run this "strength" has made a difference.

I need to quote a couple passages in this chapter. I want all who read it to know that I am not holding myself up as a standard of beauty. All I am saying is that these are the sort of things that I have to cling to in the hopes that God is going to bring healing, bring good, bring "beauty" to me out of these horrific days of suffering. I guess these passages speak to me and my situation...

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected though his sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, 'yes' when the world says, 'No.' By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of springs (Ps. 84:6)." (pg 143)

and...

"And so it is with a heart awakened to its sorrow. It is more aware, more present, and more alive, to all of the facets of life." (pg 144)

So based on what is being said here, suffering actually develops and perfects true beauty. Like Stasi I can't say I particularly enjoy this refining, but I'm stuck with it none the less. I think a song by Superchicks that was recently sent to me sums up how it all is best. I listen to this song a lot as it seems to represent exactly where I am... (To listen to it click on the title link)

Beauty From Pain by Superchicks

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

a week behind

But then, that's obvious. Yet, I have finished 4-6 and am here to discuss.

How in the world do I sum up three chapters that hit me so deeply? the whole thing about a woman feeling like she's 'too much' and 'not enough' is so true. For me, for other women I know.

I think the biggest new idea was that Satan was out for our blood. Because of beauty and because of our ability to give life (even if we never have kids). I mean, women have been treated so terribly over the centuries and i never thought it was because of Satan's agenda. Sort of explains a lot of it. The fact that we are so important that he really hates us. It's kind of cool. I mean, we're a big threat. We are so awesome and valuable to God and to others, that Satan is threatened.

Ha, take that!

I don't know where my wounds come from really. A few I can point to where the specific hurt began, but most of them just kinda showed up and were reinforced. I was blessed (am blessed, actually) to have really loving parents. A dad that I could see God through. A mom who thought I was brilliant (and these are still true). The wounds really didn't come so much from them (though some did, i'm sure).

The moving did a lot. Never having friends for longer than 3 years kind of affects you. Never having really good friends till Taylor did more damage than I realized. My fear of being 'too much' comes from 'friends' in high school who only liked me when i was in a good mood. I've never thought of my constant moving as being something I might need to look at. The fact that I'm still friends with all of you, nearly ten years in the making, is still a complete shock.

The idea that God thwarts our turning to other things for satisfaction was interesting. The big picture idea, that perhaps when we don't get what we want or the like, is actually God trying to get us to look at him, cause He is the only thing (being) that can satisfy our longings. Kind of puts my lack of boyfriend in a new light.

This book, second time round, is teaching me things still. New things. Reinforcing ideas that I saw the first time through. I think i could read it a billion times and still keep learning.

Painful Reading

Most everything is painful these dyas so it isn't surprising that each chapter brings a new stab to my already broken heart. I'll have to address each chapter individually to try and disect it all. You'll have to forgive me, but I take in everything these days through the painful lenz of my current experiences, which since I am still trying to work though everything can be hard to hear.

Chapter 4 made me cry. All the horrible things that happen to people...it is easy to empathize with the broken and wounded when you are in that state yourself. Then there were the parent things. My own dad...love him so much and know he loves me and yet he doesn't speak the words often, something which has always left me crippled in a way. Three times I remember the words...the day in high school when I asked him why he didn't say it more often ("It's not as special that way"), my wedding day, and two weeks ago when he had to tell me to say whatever I needed to to my mom because she may not survive this ordeal. Then my mom...anything about moms makes me withdraw into a painful silence if not tears.

Chapter 5 - interesting because we had a Sunday School class on women and the teacher said she thought Satan had a special enmity for women, so this wasn't the first time I'd heard that idea, though I think I liked the way Stasi explained it much better...makes more sense to me than the other way it was explained. The issue of abandonment hit me hard. I'll admit it has always been one of my biggest fears...being abandoned, being alone. My parents had a solid marriage, my husband is very faithful, and yet it's always been there, a fear lurking in the dark. And now...somehow in my mind the one person who would never abandon me was my mom. She was the one who always loved me no matter what. She prayed for me, encouraged me, nurtured me, and gently pushed me towards Christ. As a woman I think I secretly felt that men could never quite be trusted, but women we are close to...they won't leave us. How do I feel now...painfully abandoned in a way I couldn't even imagine and that extends to my feelings towards God. "God, where are you, where were you that night and why have you seemingly abandoned me, my mom, our family?" Finally I fear abandonment from all those that are now helping us. What happens 2 months from now, 4, 6 , a year when we are still faced with this? Will everyone else stop praying? Stop helping? Stop remembering that we still live in perpetual painful limbo?

Chapter6 - Appropriately named, "Healing the Wound," I found this chapter intriguing and it made me wonder how I would have read or interpreted it differently just three weeks ago. The section on being afraid, on letting God rescue the frightened shaking little girl from under the bed...seems to speak to me both now and probably for my whole life...again my living so much in fear my whole life. I also found the section on letting the tears come so intriguing both for the many tears I've cried recently and for the beginning where it talks about trying to keep it all together. That is me...feeling I have to put up an appearance to everyone. Again, this is driven by pain and fear. I think I am definately seeing how pain and fear have driven and controlled me for so much of my life, though I think the realization of fear and its hold over me has been dawning on my concience for quite some time now.

My second go

I almost feel like I could do a post on each chapter. A week on each chapter? Egads, that's mad.

When I read this book the first time, I read it through chapter nine (arousing adam :) ) in one go. I cried. Like really cried. The convulsing sobs and everything. My heart hurt in a way I couldn't explain. I'm hoping I'm a bit less emotional this go round.

Although, a lot of it still smacks me in the face with a 'duh!' kind of feeling. The inherent desires we have. Even if you didn't want to play dress up as a little girl, there's still this question of 'am I lovely?' Am I good enough for you to pay attention? Dresses, intellect, or talent. We all want to be commended for our uniqueness. Least, that's what I think that's saying.

We're the crowning creation? Since when? I mean, i always thought that surely since we were made second, that meant we were second best. And no longer just 'helper' but 'lifesaver'

We're important. I think sometimes I don't believe that. We (females) are necessary. And not just for procreation.

About beauty. I so feel better when I walk among trees and beautiful nature. When a song (like Run by Snow Patrol) hits me so deeply I feel like I'm salivating for more. And yeah, that's kind of what I want to bring to the world. Beauty in the form of good story. Personally. :)

I underlined so much, if i copied it all here, i'd pretty much have half the passages typed. So I'll try to be brief.

Beauty reminds us of an Eden we have never known, but somehow know our hearts were created for. (40)

So this resonates, cause when I take it to be me, not just the symbol of paradise, it's really true. I know I'm supposed to be more than I am. Not in an ego type of way. Just that my gifts and my central me-ness is supposed to be higher and bring something to the table. To the world. I am supposed to be sinless and in close relationship with God. And I ain't. Put your name where 'Eden' is. It totally works.

Okay, how about the whole thing with the two types of fallen Eve? Can't you just see that? I mean, I'm both depending on the day or the situation. The hiding...it just really hits me.

And the indulging. The habits, addictions, whatever. I so have mine and they vary depending on what I'm trying to avoid. Food, well I'll watch TV. I'll watch that kissing scene, over and over. It's all there for me. I wish I could just get myself to go to God, whether by praying or reading the Bible or just meditating first.

So, I suppose I should stop now. I'm really glad all of you are reading this. I look forward to all the responses (definitely yours, Chris) because even if they (the Eldredge's) don't get it all right, they do get a lot of it right.

To next week's posting! *raises an imaginary glass to toast, well, would if wasn't typing at this very moment*

Captivating Beginning

Thus far I am enjoying this book, in as much as I can enjoy anything right now. I think the authors do a good job in their evaluation of our needs or dreams as women. Even the strongest and toughest of women have certain needs, hopes and dreams. The first chapter hit me the strongest, but that could have been because I was reading it during the day, not in the middle of the night when I was tired and sleepless like when I read the other two chapters. I am very interested to see where the book goes and I'm also interested in hearing the variety of views from both us females and the male point of view. One thing I appreciated was the modern use of quotes from movies and books to help illustrate certain ideas. Did anyone else recognize the quote from another of our recent books?

There were a couple quotes I really appreciated, but I'll just list one here...

"Think about the women you meet at church.  They are trying to live up to some model of femininity.  What do they 'teach' you about being a woman?  What are they saying to us through their lives?  Like we said, you'd have to conclude that a godly woman is... tired.  And guilty.  We're all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, 'the Proverbs 31 woman,'  whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading books?  Her light never goes out at night?  When does she have sex?  Somehow she has sanctified the shame most women live under, biblical proof that once again we don't measure up.  Is that supposed to be godly- that sense that you are a failure as a woman?" (Chapter 1, pg. 6)

That's how I feel a lot of the time, like I can never measure up to what I am supposed to be, as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend, and especially now- a daughter. That nagging feeling of failure always seems to be nipping at my heels, and it's only worse right now when my world is falling apart and I have to depend on so many others just to get through a "normal" day. I hope this book can help.

As a quick note...I know I tend to get antsy with others for not posting, but seriously all of you, the fact that I am the first one to post this time really is sad.