Olivia

I think the first short story about Olivia was my favorite one, partially because it was the cleanest but mostly because it was the longest and thus in my opinion, the most developed. I enjoyed watching Olivia's transformation and dawning self awareness as she figured out what she really wanted in life amidst the magic of the twinkle lights and gumdrops of Santa Land. I think so often people, myself included, have these huge grandiose dreams of what we want to do in life, when if we thought about what the truest desires of our hearts are, we'd realize what we really want are simple things. 

I really like Hank's character and how he helps not only Olivia, but also her mother. I love that Olivia ends up with her childhood sweetheart (the geek turned successful genius) and that his name is Woody! Overall it was a cute, happy story that even had me wanting to play Mrs. Clause in a cute and sexy little red, fur trimmed number!

Mrs. Claus

I'm only a little into this, but I was amused by the prologue. One, I like that Rossman's Department store is in Chicago on Michigan Ave., clearly a Marshall Field's substitute. But, the financial issues that they are worried about and the idea of scaling back Christmas seems very topical with this year. Interesting.

Captivating End

Finished a couple of days ago, but haven't been able to sit down with the book, plus I was mulling some things over. I don't really have an answer for this, but I'm thinking about the femininity/masculinity of Christ. Without really having specific Biblical passages to point to, I've always kind of thought that God was without gender and that since we are made in His image that men and women are just varied expressions of his masculine or feminine traits. If that's the case and then since I also believe that Christ is fully God, how do I reconcile his earthly masculine persona with a non-gendered heavenly one? If I'm supposed to try to live my life like Christ, what of what he did was masculine and not what I as a female should be doing? How do I avoid what they caution "You must not let them [I think they mean 'the World' but didn't think it was too clear] shape you into their view of what a woman is. You'll end up a man" (212).

Another part that I'm not sure how to deal with is this from the final chapter: "God desires that wherever and however you offer yourself to the Body of Christ, you'll have the protection of good men over you. Not to hold you back, but to set you free as a woman. Christ has made man as his warrior, to offer his strength on behalf of Eve so that she might flourish. If that's not the context you've found yourself in find one that is" (211). That seems difficult to do in a fallen world, how on this earth can we do that? Often times the men in our worlds are not these kind of men, so I think women need to rely on God and His power and strength in them, regardless of the men around them. And the fact that the Eldredges have a whole chapter on "Warrior Princesses," makes it hard for me to accept that man is Christ's only warrior.

Anyway, this book has brought up some interesting things to talk and think about--good choice, Eden!

Finito!

Sorry, i got distracted by other things, most that didn't much matter. I finished the book, although not the study guide. I will get to that. I hope.

Chapter 10: Mom and I are a lot alike. At least that's why i think we argue as much as we do. She wants what's best for me and I don't want her to think that I can't do it. I don't know. But I love her. And there is so much about her I hope to emulate.

Never had sisters. But I've got you girls. Friends over the years that have given me love. People who stick around even when i'm not 'pretty' inside or out. That's sisterhood. I hope I do the same for you.

I think, with daughters, whether I ever have any officially is something that I do have. My readers. Most are girls (methinks) and I really do want to impress upon them through my stories, some good ideals. Most of my girl characters are strong and have good senses of self. It's all romance, but often there's more than just the guy. Well, half of the time.

And in my real stories, I'm trying to do the same. Create realistic female characters who are more than just looking for a guy. I guess they are my daughters.

Chapter 11: Okay, who doesn't want to be a Warrior Princess? I love the idea that we are ones. I've never wanted to be in a war story, but i do get excited when i hear about missions and the work people do for God. I would love to be a warrior. To be strong and mighty.

I like that the book says things like "But often, there is not a man present in a woman's life to fight on her behalf." (195) I guess, I'm fortunate enough to have my dad to do that for me. He probably always will too.

But I'm warming to the idea of being a woman on my own. At least for now. With God in my corner, I can be a warrior princess. A daughter of the king who can kick butt by loving and giving and standing strong. Tis thrilling.

I think I overdo vulnerable. So it's not offering my heart or vulnerability. It's doing it when it's needed. That's what I have to learn.

Chapter 12: I have always wanted to impact the world. Mostly by performing, but i think I've had that desire for a long time. The book says that I'm (we're) irreplaceable. I may not ipact the world in such a way that I'll be remembered by historians, but there is something specific that God wants me to do. I just have to figure out what. Telling stories, maybe. Being me and loving people, definitely.

I think in rereading this book, I've had time to remember and dwell on ideas that I read so quickly last time that I cried, but didn't set into motion. I hope in rereading that I'll take much more to heart and practice. That's the goal.

I hope it was good for everyone. That it opened your eyes to new ideas or reiterated some old ones. That it gave you all something to be excited about being you. You too Chris!!

December book

Okay, here's the deal. I've picked a fun, Christmas pop-fiction novel. I needed something light this month for obvious reasons. It's called The Secret Life of Mrs. Claus by Carly Alexander. I read about a quarter of it to make sure it was okay...don't think it's too sleezy and actually has some heart-warming messages so far. It basically has three shorter stories which are linked by a common theme/prologue. I'm not going to set specific dates for when each section is read, but I'd ask that we try and read it all by the first week of January if possible, since it is a Christmas book. I'm also going to suggest that we post on each section seperately since each of the three stories is sort of independant. With Christmas break coming up this should be doable for us I think...plus it's a fun read. Hopefully the rest of the book is good.

No More Rants (I Promise)

Okay--maybe I needed to just post my issues to get them out of the way in my head and heart, or maybe the material in the next three chapters is just better (for me), but either way I thought this section was much much better.

I really enjoyed "Romanced," as I noted in my comment to Em earlier, this was eye-opening to me in light of now knowing what it's like to be in a romantic relationship with someone, me personally, not me theoretically. Knowing the God is there as the Perfect Lover who always has the right answer, responds appropriately, can't be dissuaded from loving me is awesome (in the awe inspiring sense of the word). I like how they describe the passion of pursuing this relationship, sometimes I'm frightened to be committed and passionate about something because it might be silly or not worth while. But knowing God intimately will never be those things. "To pursue intimacy with Christ, you will have to fight for it. [...] You'll need to fight the Thief that would steal your Lover's gifts to you outright. That's okay. There is a fierceness in women that was given to us for a purpose. Getting time with your Lover is worth whatever it costs." (126)

"Beauty to Unveil" and "Arousing Adam" did seem to go hand in hand to me (as they note in 9 "We'll bet you were thinking about the man in your life through most of the last chapter"). The idea of being vulnerable and "unveiling [my] feminine heart" (147) is a terrifying thought in some regards because I do not like to be vulnerable, but exciting in other regards because I feel encouraged that I should be trying to be open, vulnerable, and arousing (obviously within the limits of appropriateness)--that it's worth it to try and if it's not worth the risk, than it's not worth my time.

The First Half of Captivating

I'm a bit reticent to post, since I don't think my experience with this book has been as significant as the rest of yours. I'm really struggling with the construction of the book, and finding it hard to overlook some of the flaws in order to accept the content, which seems pretty good, or at least well-intentioned.

While I appreciate the inclusion of various pop culture texts (I laughed aloud when I saw The Alchemist and I love that they mention Strictly Ballroom), I find their citation extremely shoddy. There is no bibliography, and even within text they are sketchy on details. Especially disconcerting is their use of texts like The Last of the Mohicans without differentiating between the book and the movie. While I haven't read the book, I'm aware that it varies greatly from the 1992 film (there are other versions as well, but again I am guessing/assuming this is the one the Eldredges mean) and has no romance between Cora and Nathaniel. If I didn't have any familiarity with the text, I would have assumed that they were talking about the book, since it was never clarified.

I feel as though a lot of the references to films and books rely heavily on the reader's prior familiarity with them. I realize this is a tricky line for an author--do you assume the audience has been living under a media blocking rock for the past two decades and explain everything, or do you just drop things in and hope that your reader can make the connection? I have read/watched most of the texts that they mention, but I think I would feel lost if I hadn't because these quotes are just tossed in left and right without much effort to connect them with the chapter. (Ex. the first full paragraph on p. 52 in Ch 3--where they talk about a bunch of movies starting with Jerry Maguire.) The references are barely explained, but they are expected to stand as 'proof' of the point. There needs to be more explication--it's the author's job, not the reader's to show how an example supports a thesis.

All the stories of women, are these interviews they've had with people? Things they've made up? I don't think it's especially clear (ex. Carrie's story in Ch 4), and it makes a difference to me whether this is an actual person they're talking about or a fictitious character.

Some of the problems I have with the lack of connection with their quotations I also have with their use of scripture. While there are moments that the Bible is deeply engaged with--the idea that Eve was the pinnacle of creation was quite provocative and well argued IMHO--more often, scripture seems to be tossed in with less frequency than pop culture and with nearly the same treatment. I haven't read very many psychology books, but there are times when I feel this is mostly pop psychology (childhood wounds, etc.) with a veneer of Christianity.

Ok, enough with the questionable writing, onto the content. I'm struggling with a lot of the absolutes that they attribute to females and femininity. While they do give some attention to trying not to pigeon-hole women, I think they do: "It's why little girls play dress up. Little boys play dress up, too, but in a different way. Our sons were cowboys for years. Or army men. Or Jedi knights. But they never once dressed up as bridegrooms, fairies, or butterflies. Little boys do not paint their toenails. They do no beg to get their ears pierced. (Some teenaged boys do, but that is another story.) Little boys don't play dress up with Mommy's jewelry and high heels. They don't sit for hours and brush each other's hair" (p. 13). This entire paragraph doesn't tell me anything about the souls of women or men, all it does is catalogue what is culturally accepted, what our particular society teaches about masculinity and femininity.

A cornerstone of their argument comes in Ch. 3 "Haunted By a Question" ; they suggest "Little girls want to know, Am I lovely? The twirling skirts, the dress up, the longing to be pretty and to be seen--that is what that's all about" (original emphasis, p. 46). THIS IS NOT ME. I rarely if ever remember playing dress up. I relate much better to what they say is the little boys' question "Do I have what it takes?" And the while much of the argument that follows, how women go about answering that desire to have their beauty affirmed, has some resonances, it makes me feel as though some how I'm not feminine, I'm not right because I don't relate to that core issue.

They later catalogue two types of perversion of femininity--dominating women and desolate women--and I can see some traces of myself in the dominating woman, who seeks to control and be perfect. The Eldredges suggest "this is not to say a woman can't be strong. What we are saying is that far too many women forfeit their femininity in order to feel safe and in control. Their strength feels more masculine than feminine. There is nothing inviting or alluring, nothing tender or merciful about them" (52). Yet they don't explain how a woman can be strong, and I'm left again feeling as though I'm not feminine.

While one could argue that I've just tried to deaden myself to this core feminine issue--that rather than deal with the pain of trying to feel as though I have worthwhile beauty, I've ignored that desire. But I don't think so. Much of what they are saying I find relateable on a human standpoint. The fact that we need to learn how to God first as our sustainer, provider, lover, savior, all and all is so true. I loved the verses from Hosea about placing thornbushes around her, and the thought that "In love, he [God] has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue." (96) If these sorts of thoughts were framed in the context of how an individual responds to God, rather than a woman, I think I'd be much more affected. For now, I mostly feel uncomfortable about my apparent lack of femininity.

Captivating

Okay, so I am still a part of this book club, in case some of you have been wondering. I know I have not been the best with posting as of late, but I will try to be better. Part of it with Captivating is that I wanted to post on Ender's Game (I read it and loved it, Chris!) and never did. So, I know this is a bit late, but I wanted to just say that I really enjoyed Ender's Game.

Anyways, I am on to Captivating now. I have only read up to chapter 7, so if you have posted beyond chapter 6, I have not read your post yet. I think this has been an interesting read so far and I have resonated with a lot of things on an emotional level. I think this book primarily appeals to people more through emotions than logic and reasoning, which could be part of the reason you are struggling with how it is written, Sarah. The first three chapters were all right for me, but I felt that they were setting us up for the real message of the book. It was the next three chapters that got a little more emotional for me. Like Eden, I have definitely shed some tears on this book. I think anything that makes you examine your femininity is a hard thing for us to do, because it is a sensitive topic for most people. In some way, I think all women feel as if they do not measure up to what a woman should be. I really resonated with that woman Debbie in chapter 4 whose father had the affair and always felt like she had to be working on herself and improving herself. I think that's how I have felt for most of my life, like there is something wrong with me that I need to fix. To be honest, I think I still think that. That's why I exercise as much as I do and am constantly buying clothes and worry about what I eat and dye my hair and try to constantly improve myself at work. I always feel like I have to earn other's affections and that I can't do anything to mess it up or else I will lose people's love. And when I do make a mistake I get really hard on myself, even though I definitely don't hold anyone else to these standards. I definitely think there's a lot of truth in that we receive messages from our parents about who we are and what we are worth. I know I have always felt insecure about who I am and what I am worth, and struggle with feeling lonely and like people can't understand me at times. It was kind of eye opening that this book seems to think this is a common female problem, but I don't know that I think this is something every female struggles with. I do think that God has created male and females different, but I wonder with this book how much is society expectations of female and how much is how God has really made us as females. I mean, we all have some similar characteristics, but women are all so different as well. I mean, what Sarah was saying about feeling unfeminine because she never wondered if she's lovely.

I do think there is a lot of importance in examining our childhoods and don't think that is all just "pop psychology". I think our environment and how we grow up shapes a lot of our beliefs and philosophies on the world, and I think it is important to analyze this and see what is how we grow up and what is actually truth according to God's word. I mean, so many of the children I work with just come from really broken, unsupportive homes, and I wonder, do they have these problems because of genetic factors or because their parents are not parenting? I definitely agree that true healing cannot come from anywhere besides God and we need to turn to him for our needs. But this is hard for me to do a lot of times. I think I have basic trust issues with God. Sometimes I feel like he is not really there or he does not hear me when I pray. Or he hears but doesn't really care about what I want or wants to punish me because I don't deserve whatever it is I am wishing for.

Sorry if this is kind of convoluted, it is just the series of thoughts and impressions I have had while reading this book and may not be organized in the best manner. I will try to finish it up soon so I can read the other posts and post on the rest of it.

Chapter 10 - The first part is too painful for me to write upon, I wept through most of it. I will say that the part on sisters and friends is beautiful. We as women do need each other in a unique way that men cannot understand. I realize it all the more in these tough days, just how much I need you all.

Chapter 11 - Warrior Princesses, much to think about. I do admit a longing to be a warrior princess, to be royal, valued and sought after and yet to be heroic at the same time. How do we reconcile these two? Th talk of spiritual, emotional and physical bondage. I find it all such a delicate subject. I think too often these things are ignored, and yet when blatant stories are given (like the dizzy spells and asthma attack), I get a bit queasy. I understand we are under attack. I feel it on a daily basis. Sometimes the attack seems so unbearable all I can pray is, "Lord, help me pray." Even as this chapter writes and as my husband sits watching The Two Towers, I feel such sorrowful kinship to Eowyn, her constant pain and her desire to fight against it and fight for something better. Yet I still struggle with stories of blatant miracles. Am I faithless? A doubter? How can someone so deep in the middle of a battle not understand all these ideas...I'm not sure.

Catching up...

This book overwhelms me.  I mean, to talk in decent detail about each chapter or three chapters is intimidating.  But to not do it, would be sad, cause it's so good.  I'm not sure any of the following will make a whole lot of sense, so I apologize ahead of time.

Romanced (7): It's only of late that I am truly beginning to appreciate God's love letters to me.  I mean, I'm not sure I always loved trees like i do now...but do I love them.  All different kinds, the tall skinny ones in Germany, the ancient gnarled ones in England, the huge Redwoods in CA.  When I walk in woods, I am so happy.  That's a love letter.  Far more poetic than Keats.  :)  This whole idea fills me with such warm fuzzies.  For lack of a better term.  

It's funny how many women/girls want romance.  They may want it to manifest itself in different ways (a book instead of flowers), but we all want it on some level.  And to know that God wants that too, from me, seems impossible.  I've always had a hard time seeing Jesus/ God as lover.  That he was my lover.  Talk about seeming sacrilegious. But I like it.  I mean, I get that it's never a physical relationship.  He's God and all, but that if I truly desire the affection, he'll provide it through others or teach me to grow without it.  That's very comforting.  

For the first time, this year in general, I'm okay with just being romanced by God.  As I learn to be content in that (which will take a lot more time), I'm excited about just being content with him.  It'll make my life so much better if I can be complete in him.  And if I can finally realize that.

Beauty to Unveil (8):  man, I love this stuff.  Offering my uniqueness, my heart, my 'beauty,' sounds so awesome.  Scary, sure, but that I have something to offer and that God wants me to offer, is just so cool.  To be vulnerable (in situations that warrant it) is something I do too often and often come out ashamed of my honesty and disclosure.  So, for me it's not being vulnerable, but discerning when to and when not to.  hmm.  

Willing to Suffer.  pg. 143.  Very scary.  Taking up the cross and suffering.  That really scares me.  I can't say that I desire to suffer.  Who does?  But I want to if it means that I'm going about this right.  So, if to be truly beautiful, I need to suffer, I desire that.  I say that and i feel like I'm about to be smote with lightning, but I guess God knows what I can handle, And i'll trust in that.  Suffering, waiting and persistance (143).  Things I don't do well, but plan to work on.  On pg. 146  The bottom paragraph talks about 'luminosity.'  When people glow.  I've seen people like that.  I think i've had it before, but it's been awhile since I glowed with God's glory.  I want that again.  Glow with God's love.  

Arousing Adam (9):  I haven't finished my study guides for all this chapters, so maybe my responses aren't very deep, but I'm going with first (or technically second) impressions.  "You cannot take your Question to Adam". (pg 151)  AMEN!!! Could we shout that off the rooftops?  The thing about this book is that it offers answers and thoughts, but the fixing of it is the tough, long process part.

"No man can tell you who you are as a woman." (152)

I think I might need to write that and tape it on my mirror.  Romance stories are all well and good, but that amazing ones, the women I like are the ones who realize who they are without the guy.  Those are the women that I want to be.  the ones I hope to write.  :)

Pg. 164.  Second full paragraph.  Emotionally dating, anyone?  I read that and was transported back to Taylor.  Hopefully I'm smarter, more aware now.  

Pg. 165.  being there for someone of the opposite sex without it being wrong.  Chris has done that for me.  And that's one of my favorite memories (you remember, don't you?  beginning of senior year).  I think that's why I crush easily on guys.  A guy shows me how awesome he is and I mistake it for something more.  I'm glad I know that now.  maybe I can avoid it in the future.  My dad does that for me too.  Makes me hope for a guy out there who can be a Godly man.  And even if I don't ever find one for me, that doesn't mean that those men aren't out there.

So, watch out men!  I'm here to arouse.  You know, in a good Godly woman way.  

I'm pretty sure this post is random and disconnected.  Hope it makes sense.

Chapters 7-9

Chapter 7 talks about something uniquely special to women.  The ability to really understand our relationship to God as bride.  It is very hard as a male to relate to this nature of our relationship.  Whether it is as the harlot Israel, as we all turn our back on our first love with our sin.  Or the beautiful woman that he pursues and prepares for himself or the glorious bride at the end of time.  It is one of the things that I envy women for is being able to understand that analogy better than us guys.

Chapter 8 talks about beauty.  Two things stuck out as being particularly true.  One was the whole idea of beauty being inviting and not demanding.  Stasi talks about how at one point John just was not around for their family enough and how she had to talk to him.  She said, "I told him that I couldn't do this family thing without him.  I told him that I needed him.  I asked for his help.  I didn't demand him to come through.  I didn't whine.  I expressed my need and invited his strength, his presence.  To my surprise, John told me that in my vulnerability to him, I had never been more feminine or more beautiful."  This is so true.  A couple of examples concerning Emily.  She can really struggle with being demanding or nagging.  I'm sure even you as friends have recognized this at times.  However, the times I'm most touched by her needs and wants for changes in me, whether it is losing weight, changing a bad habit or doing a chore, it is when she is vulnerable.  Rather than telling me to do something, or demanding something, she invites me to see how my ways hurt her.  Its a lot more risky, because I'm a selfish being and don't always respond as I ought.  Its a lot more hurtful to have me ignore her hurts, than to have me ignore her telling me to do something.  On the other hand, she is more beautiful, and persuasive, when she explains why for example she is afraid of my weight gain, and the worries it causes her, rather than nagging me to exercise or eat better.  

Another recent example is the e-mail she sent out to ya'll asking you to post and respond on this book with her.  Earlier I think she had kiddingly nagged ya'll about it a bit, as this is often unfortunately the way she will try to accomplish things.  However, then she wrote that e-mail where she was vulnerable.  She told you her hurts, her pain, and invited ya'll to help her through this time.  It was so much more risky, because the pain is even more if you were to ignore her request to help her with her hurts, as opposed to ignoring her nagging.  At the same time it was beautiful.  I told her after I read that e-mail how proud I was of her for being willing to risk it, to be open.  

Another point from this chapter that really stuck out was the idea of beauty from suffering.  Stasi discusses this topic with some words that close to home right now "Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering....and by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad ways available.  They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there...Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit.  we must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow.  It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged...God does not always resuce us out of a painful season.  You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it.  He is after something much more valuablethan our happiness.  Much more substantive than our health.  He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory.  And sometimes...it hurts. "  I like particularly the part about avoiding the urge to numbe the pain.  Early on in our current tragedy with Emily's mom, I told her there is only one thing I asked from her during this time (this was after she told me she was sorry for crying and being angry about it all).  I told her she could feel, think, whatever was true, but not to go cold.  Essentially, not to numb the pain.  The pain is what will get her ultimately through this to the other side, and she has been doing an amazing job of working her way slowly through this pain.  It is showing too, physically.  I have told her almost every day recently how beautiful she has looked, as she has looked stunning over the last few weeks.  Not haggard or worn, as might be expected in this situation, but absolutely radiant.  I have heart many, many similar comments made to her at church by people as well, about how she looks beautiful and amazing.  Emily seems to think it is because of her new haircut, but I personally think the beauty and the compliments have been greatly increased as she has been struggling to lean on God through this horrible situation.

Chapter 9, I thought there were a few good nuggets of truth here.  First was the concept of to arouse Adam, need him and believe in him.  That pretty much sums it up.  If I am needed it invites me to perform and the belief in me gives me the confidence to believe in myself.  Now, I'm not sure that always translates perfectly to every sexual encounter in marriage.  Really, it is a much bigger picture concept.  Need him and believe in him, and if he is a good man he will become more the good man that he is.  You will draw out his inner goodness and thus the relationship will deepen and grow and thus the sexual relationship will deepen and grow.  That's more how I look at it.  I also very much liked her section about the concept of our relationships with people of the opposite sex who are not "ours".  Here's a passage that John wrote, "In the same way, there are women in our fellowship who have offered to me many words of encouragement, many tender kindnesses.  They have spoken to me of how I have impacted their lives, touched their hearts, offered my strength on their behalf.  And that has brought a great encouragement and inspiration to me-even at times when I felt I was failing Stasi as a man...It was a kind of affirmation that said, 'You are a good man, a man of strength.  As a woman I am grateful'."  I have had so many women, many of them older women,  in the church tell me over the last couple of weeks how much they appreciated my updates and how I told the Church how they could best minister to us.  This has been a great encouragement to me, as at times I would worry about being too harsh, or too standoffish with things I said.  Their encouragement helped me to know that I was doing the right thing, and helped to stengthen me so that I could continue to care for Emily through this time.

Chapters 4-6

As strange as it may sound, I find some of the stories mentioned in chapter 4 to be helpful things to read.  Helpful as a father to two girls (so far).  I was raised in a family with all boys, and did not get to see a daughter raised.  I would like to think that some good things would come naturally but I find that reading books like this help me to know even more what I need to do to be a good father to my daughters.  To say, "I love you" "You are beautiful" and to just generally cherish them.  At the same time its sobering, as I think about how little the missteps that can be so damaging can be.  Its just a painful reminder that try as hard as I might, I will not be the Father that they need.  I cannot provide for them in every emotional/spiritual way to truly make them whole.  I need to trust and point my daughters to their true Father in heaven.  Those are some of the impressions that I took out of Chapter 4.

Chapter 5 is one that relates very closely to Emily.  She has always struggled with feeling lonely.  In the worst of times, there are clear things to point to like the hard time we had finding good friends for her to hang out with when we first moved out here, because people are so dang busy.  However, even in the best of times, there is constant struggle with feeling alone, like people do not understand, or do not care.  Sure there may be little affronts or cases of neglect, but as her husband (and being a male) I can see how the Devil preys on every little foothold to try to isolate her more and more.  And it is a struggle for me to help, as I am so weak sometimes.  Sometimes it is easier just to wimp out and let her be alone, because in her isolation she will just push me away anyway, so why make the effort to push past those defenses.  Or I'm just too frustrated, because I can just see that she's believing the lies in her head, so I don't understand why she can't just stop thinking that way.  I think, slowly, through this tragedy with Emily's mom something in me has stirred though about more on how to "be there".  And really, that's all I can do.  As a guy I want to fix it, speak the truth have her believe it and move on.  With this tragedy, I realize, there is no fix, at least certainly none I can provide.  All I can do is listen, hold her and encourage her to not go cold.  To feel everything.  Hopefully, I can remember these lessons learned as we continue in our lives.  Hopefully I can continue to pursue her and stand by her, even when tragedy isn't so deep that it forces me to finally be a man.  

Chapter 6, that talked about healing, I probably wimped out on.  There is much in my own heart and past that I probably could benefit from dealing with, but kind of glosses over because this is a book for women, but really I think that was more me wimping out.  Perhaps if I reread this book or this chapter, I'll actually give this chapter a chance to be more reflective on my own life, rather than just pondering how it speaks to women.

Arousing Adam (Or whatever male you have)

I'm guessing I'm being looked at to speak to this chapter since I'm married...not sure if that's fair or not, but here are a few thoughts I've had.

First, as a wife I can say that I've witnessed "Adam's wound" as it played out in the life of my own husband. Even the best raised of little boys come from fallen parents and thus struggle with their identity, their masculinity and their role as the "Hero." I've had to watch my own husband struggle through several of these issues and while I hope that I have been supportive, I don't think I can take credit for "fixing" him in any way. Rather God has had to work in his life the way God has had to work in my life. Still, offering my support when he struggles is vitally important. Affirming him when he feels down is one of the best things I can do, be that an encouraging word, a listening ear, a back rub, a nice meal or yes girls, even sex.

At the same time I also need to point out how strongly this quote holds true, "You cannot take your Question to Adam. You cannot look to him for the validation of your soul." (pg 151) Believe me, it's true, I've tried. No matter how great my husband is at times he cannot fill that deepest longing in my soul. I can't even begin to list how many times I have looked to him to try and fill me up and meet my every need when I am hurting, angry, insecure etc. I then become more upset, angry and often lash out at him when he fails to be "perfect" and make everything the way I think it should be. His job is to love, encourage, complete me, but he isn't God and too often I turn him into a semi-god to try and meet all of my needs. Only God can do that, something that has become oh so apparent in this past month. There are a lot of things my husband does right, and many ways he's loved and supported me lately, but when it comes to the deep, painful achings of the heart, he is only human. Only God can meet us in those places.

I love that John and Stasi use the terms Emasculating, Desolate and Arousing Women. The conjure up such vivid images for me and also cut to the heart of the matter without getting caught up in physical descriptions. I know I want to be an arousing woman, and yet I know at times I play the part of the emasculating and desolate woman. Probably most women do at some point. Far too often I demand and try to push, shove, boss or manipulate my husband into what I want instead of simply trying to be alluring. I'm guessing he'll tell you which works best...

Finally, I think it is really important to reiterate what is written near the end of this chapter...

"Be careful you do not offer too much of yourself to a man until you have good, solid evidence that he is a strong man willing to commit. Look at his track record with other women...does he have any close male friends--and what are they like as men? Can he hold down a job? Is he walking with God in a real and intimate way? Is he facing the wounds of his own life.....your heart is a treasure and we (I!!) want you to offer it only to a man who is worthy and ready to handle it well." (pg 164)

No man is perfect, no man demonstrates all these things all the time in a great way. But some men are trying harder than others and they are the ones that will keep trying and I wouldn't want anyone I love to settle for less than they can possibly have. You all deserve the best.

Beauty From Pain

I have a lot to say here. or rather to quote, copy and muse on, so please bear with me. I will post on Chap 9 separately because of the long nature of this post.

Chapter 7 - I admit I did find this chapter a bit strange. I mean the idea of God romancing us in a well, frankly romantic way still seems a bit funny to me. I understand it, but I don't think I'm entirely comfortable with it...yet. It is probably something I need to work on. It all makes sense, all those analogies in the Bible about Christ and his bride...I guess I've rarely heard it written about in such intimate terms. Like I said, sounds correct but something I need to work on being comfortable with in my own life. Any thoughts?

Chapter 8 - I have a lot to say on this Chapter. A lot of chords hit home with me. First, I think this is an excellent chapter on beauty. I agree with the description and the struggles it talks about. Even though I am happily married, I still struggle big time with the beauty concept. Even though I get told I'm beautiful by someone I trust, I still doubt him. I think the book hit on it when it said that we don't feel beautiful because of fear...somehow I keep coming back to that one in my life.

The beginning pages talk about how the strength in a man protects the (real) beauty in a woman. I have to say I understand that better in the past weeks. Chris has had to stand between me and a lot of pain, fear, hurt, and good intentions from others during this difficult time. He's been my buffer and dealt with the nastier, more hurtful and more difficult people and situations, protecting my wounded and bleeding heart from he worst onslaughts of the world during this time. I can't say that I can see beauty in myself or the situation yet, but I know that in the long run this "strength" has made a difference.

I need to quote a couple passages in this chapter. I want all who read it to know that I am not holding myself up as a standard of beauty. All I am saying is that these are the sort of things that I have to cling to in the hopes that God is going to bring healing, bring good, bring "beauty" to me out of these horrific days of suffering. I guess these passages speak to me and my situation...

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected though his sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, 'yes' when the world says, 'No.' By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of springs (Ps. 84:6)." (pg 143)

and...

"And so it is with a heart awakened to its sorrow. It is more aware, more present, and more alive, to all of the facets of life." (pg 144)

So based on what is being said here, suffering actually develops and perfects true beauty. Like Stasi I can't say I particularly enjoy this refining, but I'm stuck with it none the less. I think a song by Superchicks that was recently sent to me sums up how it all is best. I listen to this song a lot as it seems to represent exactly where I am... (To listen to it click on the title link)

Beauty From Pain by Superchicks

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

a week behind

But then, that's obvious. Yet, I have finished 4-6 and am here to discuss.

How in the world do I sum up three chapters that hit me so deeply? the whole thing about a woman feeling like she's 'too much' and 'not enough' is so true. For me, for other women I know.

I think the biggest new idea was that Satan was out for our blood. Because of beauty and because of our ability to give life (even if we never have kids). I mean, women have been treated so terribly over the centuries and i never thought it was because of Satan's agenda. Sort of explains a lot of it. The fact that we are so important that he really hates us. It's kind of cool. I mean, we're a big threat. We are so awesome and valuable to God and to others, that Satan is threatened.

Ha, take that!

I don't know where my wounds come from really. A few I can point to where the specific hurt began, but most of them just kinda showed up and were reinforced. I was blessed (am blessed, actually) to have really loving parents. A dad that I could see God through. A mom who thought I was brilliant (and these are still true). The wounds really didn't come so much from them (though some did, i'm sure).

The moving did a lot. Never having friends for longer than 3 years kind of affects you. Never having really good friends till Taylor did more damage than I realized. My fear of being 'too much' comes from 'friends' in high school who only liked me when i was in a good mood. I've never thought of my constant moving as being something I might need to look at. The fact that I'm still friends with all of you, nearly ten years in the making, is still a complete shock.

The idea that God thwarts our turning to other things for satisfaction was interesting. The big picture idea, that perhaps when we don't get what we want or the like, is actually God trying to get us to look at him, cause He is the only thing (being) that can satisfy our longings. Kind of puts my lack of boyfriend in a new light.

This book, second time round, is teaching me things still. New things. Reinforcing ideas that I saw the first time through. I think i could read it a billion times and still keep learning.

Painful Reading

Most everything is painful these dyas so it isn't surprising that each chapter brings a new stab to my already broken heart. I'll have to address each chapter individually to try and disect it all. You'll have to forgive me, but I take in everything these days through the painful lenz of my current experiences, which since I am still trying to work though everything can be hard to hear.

Chapter 4 made me cry. All the horrible things that happen to people...it is easy to empathize with the broken and wounded when you are in that state yourself. Then there were the parent things. My own dad...love him so much and know he loves me and yet he doesn't speak the words often, something which has always left me crippled in a way. Three times I remember the words...the day in high school when I asked him why he didn't say it more often ("It's not as special that way"), my wedding day, and two weeks ago when he had to tell me to say whatever I needed to to my mom because she may not survive this ordeal. Then my mom...anything about moms makes me withdraw into a painful silence if not tears.

Chapter 5 - interesting because we had a Sunday School class on women and the teacher said she thought Satan had a special enmity for women, so this wasn't the first time I'd heard that idea, though I think I liked the way Stasi explained it much better...makes more sense to me than the other way it was explained. The issue of abandonment hit me hard. I'll admit it has always been one of my biggest fears...being abandoned, being alone. My parents had a solid marriage, my husband is very faithful, and yet it's always been there, a fear lurking in the dark. And now...somehow in my mind the one person who would never abandon me was my mom. She was the one who always loved me no matter what. She prayed for me, encouraged me, nurtured me, and gently pushed me towards Christ. As a woman I think I secretly felt that men could never quite be trusted, but women we are close to...they won't leave us. How do I feel now...painfully abandoned in a way I couldn't even imagine and that extends to my feelings towards God. "God, where are you, where were you that night and why have you seemingly abandoned me, my mom, our family?" Finally I fear abandonment from all those that are now helping us. What happens 2 months from now, 4, 6 , a year when we are still faced with this? Will everyone else stop praying? Stop helping? Stop remembering that we still live in perpetual painful limbo?

Chapter6 - Appropriately named, "Healing the Wound," I found this chapter intriguing and it made me wonder how I would have read or interpreted it differently just three weeks ago. The section on being afraid, on letting God rescue the frightened shaking little girl from under the bed...seems to speak to me both now and probably for my whole life...again my living so much in fear my whole life. I also found the section on letting the tears come so intriguing both for the many tears I've cried recently and for the beginning where it talks about trying to keep it all together. That is me...feeling I have to put up an appearance to everyone. Again, this is driven by pain and fear. I think I am definately seeing how pain and fear have driven and controlled me for so much of my life, though I think the realization of fear and its hold over me has been dawning on my concience for quite some time now.

My second go

I almost feel like I could do a post on each chapter. A week on each chapter? Egads, that's mad.

When I read this book the first time, I read it through chapter nine (arousing adam :) ) in one go. I cried. Like really cried. The convulsing sobs and everything. My heart hurt in a way I couldn't explain. I'm hoping I'm a bit less emotional this go round.

Although, a lot of it still smacks me in the face with a 'duh!' kind of feeling. The inherent desires we have. Even if you didn't want to play dress up as a little girl, there's still this question of 'am I lovely?' Am I good enough for you to pay attention? Dresses, intellect, or talent. We all want to be commended for our uniqueness. Least, that's what I think that's saying.

We're the crowning creation? Since when? I mean, i always thought that surely since we were made second, that meant we were second best. And no longer just 'helper' but 'lifesaver'

We're important. I think sometimes I don't believe that. We (females) are necessary. And not just for procreation.

About beauty. I so feel better when I walk among trees and beautiful nature. When a song (like Run by Snow Patrol) hits me so deeply I feel like I'm salivating for more. And yeah, that's kind of what I want to bring to the world. Beauty in the form of good story. Personally. :)

I underlined so much, if i copied it all here, i'd pretty much have half the passages typed. So I'll try to be brief.

Beauty reminds us of an Eden we have never known, but somehow know our hearts were created for. (40)

So this resonates, cause when I take it to be me, not just the symbol of paradise, it's really true. I know I'm supposed to be more than I am. Not in an ego type of way. Just that my gifts and my central me-ness is supposed to be higher and bring something to the table. To the world. I am supposed to be sinless and in close relationship with God. And I ain't. Put your name where 'Eden' is. It totally works.

Okay, how about the whole thing with the two types of fallen Eve? Can't you just see that? I mean, I'm both depending on the day or the situation. The hiding...it just really hits me.

And the indulging. The habits, addictions, whatever. I so have mine and they vary depending on what I'm trying to avoid. Food, well I'll watch TV. I'll watch that kissing scene, over and over. It's all there for me. I wish I could just get myself to go to God, whether by praying or reading the Bible or just meditating first.

So, I suppose I should stop now. I'm really glad all of you are reading this. I look forward to all the responses (definitely yours, Chris) because even if they (the Eldredge's) don't get it all right, they do get a lot of it right.

To next week's posting! *raises an imaginary glass to toast, well, would if wasn't typing at this very moment*

Captivating Beginning

Thus far I am enjoying this book, in as much as I can enjoy anything right now. I think the authors do a good job in their evaluation of our needs or dreams as women. Even the strongest and toughest of women have certain needs, hopes and dreams. The first chapter hit me the strongest, but that could have been because I was reading it during the day, not in the middle of the night when I was tired and sleepless like when I read the other two chapters. I am very interested to see where the book goes and I'm also interested in hearing the variety of views from both us females and the male point of view. One thing I appreciated was the modern use of quotes from movies and books to help illustrate certain ideas. Did anyone else recognize the quote from another of our recent books?

There were a couple quotes I really appreciated, but I'll just list one here...

"Think about the women you meet at church.  They are trying to live up to some model of femininity.  What do they 'teach' you about being a woman?  What are they saying to us through their lives?  Like we said, you'd have to conclude that a godly woman is... tired.  And guilty.  We're all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, 'the Proverbs 31 woman,'  whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading books?  Her light never goes out at night?  When does she have sex?  Somehow she has sanctified the shame most women live under, biblical proof that once again we don't measure up.  Is that supposed to be godly- that sense that you are a failure as a woman?" (Chapter 1, pg. 6)

That's how I feel a lot of the time, like I can never measure up to what I am supposed to be, as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend, and especially now- a daughter. That nagging feeling of failure always seems to be nipping at my heels, and it's only worse right now when my world is falling apart and I have to depend on so many others just to get through a "normal" day. I hope this book can help.

As a quick note...I know I tend to get antsy with others for not posting, but seriously all of you, the fact that I am the first one to post this time really is sad.

SUHweet Schedule

Captivating is divided into 12 chapters. There's other stuff to read, but I say we have:

chaps. 1-3 done by Nov. 8th

4-6 by Nov. 15th

7-9 by Nov. 22nd

10-12 by Nov. 29th.

I'M EXCITED!!!

This is probably bad timing

But I'm changing our book. Mostly because The Once and Future King is massive and I don't feel like making anyone commit to that. So, here's my choice. I think Em has already gotten it, but if she hasn't, I'll get it for her.

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Kate's got a copy, but I think I'm the only one who's read it. It's for women, but like Wild at Heart they recommend that the other gender reads it. And I loved it and want to reread it and hear what impacts you guys.

Is this a major issue? I hope not. Love you all!

Love, Love, Loved It

Er, I thought I'd posted on the end of this, but apparently not--I was still in draft mode. Well, a few quotes and thoughts from the end.

"Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be" (231). Oh so true--or becoming the identity that others consign to you.

"'So the whole war is because we can't talk to each other.' 'If the other fellow can't tell you his story, you can never be sure he isn't trying to kill you'" (253). I love the emphasis on stories; God just wired us to relate to narratives, and this just under girds the idea that it is essential to listen to and seek out stories that are different than our own.

"Humanity does not ask us to be happy. It merely asks us to be brilliant on its behalf. Survival first, then happiness as we can manage it" (277). Maybe true, but rather bleak. I'd like to think that this is not how a Christian should live--survival is not really an essential for us.

"I'm going because I know the buggers better than any other living soul, and maybe if I go there I can understand them better. I stole their future from them; I can only begin to repay by seeing what I can learn from their past" (314). How on earth are amends made for genocide? I do love the idea that Ender is heading the Truth and Reconciliation committee though...

Someone in my office got this magnet. I, of course, felt the need to scan it and share with my book club, where I'm a bad girl--but I'm nearing the end of Ender!

Next Book

I've talked to everyone I think, but the new book will The Once and Future King by T. H. White. King Arthur, kids!!

It'll be good. When I get my copy, I'll post a break down, but due to my moving, job-hunting and everyone else's craziness, i think we should take a break until November comes round.

Hope that's cool with everyone!!

Ender's Universe

Wow, I sure didn't see that one coming! Card is pretty brilliant in my book. I was shocked when I found out that the final game was not a game, but real. It blew me away. I think I had to just stop reading and process it and then I had to reread the passage again! Again, wow. In a way it seems like such a cruel thing to do to a kid and yet it also was so smart. I thought the explanation from Graff and Mazer was particularly enlightening...

"Of course we tricked you into it. That's the whole point...It had to be a trick or you couldn't have done it. It's the bind we were in. We had to have a commander with so much empathy that he would think like the buggers, understand them and anticipate them. So much compassion that he could win the love of his underlings and work with them like a perfect machine, as perfect as the buggers. But somebody with that much compassion could never be the killer we needed. Could never go into battle willing to win at all costs.  If you knew, you couldn't do it. If you were the kind of person who would do it even if you knew, you could never have understood the buggers well enough." (Graff in Chapter 14)

       "And it had to be a child, Ender...you were faster than me. Better than me. I was too old and cautious. Any decent person who knows what warfare is can never go into battle with a whole heart. But you didn't know. You were reckless and brilliant and young. It was what you were born for." (Mazer Rackham in Chapter 14)

That in my mind, is perhaps the most profound statement made in this book. It also shows that Ender is the best of himself and not the worst like Peter as he's feared. Whether or not what was done to him was right or fair (and arguably it wasn't) it was the perfect plan and makes so much sense when you read those paragraphs.

Chapter 14 was by far my favorite chapter. Of course it's when we get so many surprises and revelations that I suppose it isn't surprising. One of my favorite parts is when Ender gets onto the "game" and finds out all the squadron leaders he's commanding are his friends. I wanted to cheer and whoop that for once something happy had happened to him!!! The other thing I have to mention is that I can honestly say I anticipated Mazer Rackham. I don't know how I knew the old man, the teacher, was Mazer, especially since logically he should have been dead, but I just knew it from the moment he appeared in Ender's room.

The final chapter was a bit bizarre in my mind. I'm still processing it, not sure if I liked the ending or not. I'm hoping others will express their opinion on it and that the dialogue will help me solidify my thoughts.

Ender's Life

Before reading this book I expected a futuristic story about a kid playing space games. After the first five chapters I began to think it was a kid's version of Brave New World. Now after five more chapters I'm really thinking that it's a satirical commentary on all historical, current and future world politics! The chapter about Valentine and Peter, aka Demothsenes and Locke really threw me as I was not expecting such political and historical undertones. It seemed to make the story a whole lot bigger and made me wonder where the book and the series was going. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Ender is clearly brilliant and yet so lonely. Poor kid is really being put through the ringer to make him "the best." I'm glad he got a small window of realative happiness, but it seems that is over now. I am certainly on Ender's "side" if you can call it that. I have really enjoyed reading about his friends, his games, his tactics and his strategies, far more than I expected. This is not the typical book that I'd pick up to read, but I'm glad I was given the opportunity to read it...just hoping things on earth don't get too weird.

One other thing that really moved me was the using and in my opinion, breaking of Valentine. Not all torture is physical and what they did clearly had a profound and negative effect (emotionally) on both her and Ender, though it clearly acheived what the teachers wanted. To take and break a child through isolation, seperation and hardship is cold, to use a child's greatest love and ali against them is just cruel. I hope Ender realizes she didn't mean to do what she did and was forced into it, but it doesn't seem clear to me exactly what his thoughts were on the incident.

Random Literariness

Not to derail the blog, but as I'm reading Anita and Me (for my dissertation and for a conference this weekend), I came across another literary me moment as the young girl describes her daydreams:

"My mind drifted into practical overdrive, as it did with all my daydreams. It was never enough to have a vague picture, such as 'I save Donny Osmond from near death and win a medal'. I had to know what I was wearing, whether it was a fire in a top London hotel or a runaway horse in a summer meadow, what the weather was like, who was watching and how my hair looked at the moment of rescue.

It was an annoying trait, I admit, and often I got bored with the fantasy halfway through, bogged down by stylistic detail when I should really have been concentrating on the emotion and wish-fulfillment side of things." (202)

I do that so often, any one else?

Ender's Game

I'm excited to be reading this book; I've heard about it for so long, it's a classic in the sci-fi cannon, people have suggested I'll love it...so, I'm glad to have started, and I like it so far.

I'm not sure that I have much to say at this point. I'm a bit incredulous that Ender is so cognizant and talented at six. But, hey, a Christ figure has to be super-special. I'll admit that I was sad that I never caught the idea of "Ender" as one who ends things, one who finishes, until it was pointed out to me by the book--I guess subtleties are still lost on me at times.

The thing that keeps running through my mind is Battlestar Galactica; I don't think anyone else here reads it, but the general gist is futuristic space fleet fighting for the survival of humanity against Cylons. The admiral of the fleet is a mostly good leader, but he is a very human figure with lots of flaws. I'm kind of hoping this isn't the future for Ender--sometimes I just want my heroes to be seemingly beyond human, to be able to rise above the complications that everyday people like me have to deal with.

I'm looking forward to more about the history of this world, the war, who the "buggers" are, etc.

Ender's Game Part I

I don't have a lot to say thus far except this is definately a strange book. I felt like I had no idea what to think for the first three chapters and was a bit confused by what I perceived to be fantasy and was supposed to be reality in the book. Still, by the end of Chapter 5 I was feeling more involved and I'm now curious to see what happens to Ender at this new school of his. Though did anyone else feel like they were readin a child's copy of something akin to Brave New World? Also, did anyone else feel almost dizzy when they described the whole gravity or non-gravity experience on the shuttle? Personally I felt like a dunce trying to figure out what seemed natural to Ender.

I have to admit I felt pretty sorry for Ender thoughout most of the book so far. It sounds like he's had it hard his whole, be it short, life and will continue to have it pretty hard throughout the rest of the book as "they" whoever the heck "they" are, throw challenge after challenge his way to make him the best possible leader, fighter and "hero." I wanted to cry when he had to leave his sister and didn't even feel he could turn around and wave to the camera. I really hope that they allow the poor kid to have some friends up there at space training camp or whatever it is.

I also found myself reacting very negatively to the society presented in the story. The fact that Ender was a third child and thus shunned of course got my hackels up, being currently pregnant with my own third child. It made me sad to think of a society so controlled that having more than two children was shunned...but then I suppose China and its one child policy isn't that far off when you think about it. Perhaps the scariest thing is seeing nuances of our own modern society reflected in a science fiction book written 30 years ago. To reiterate an earlier point, the experience seems reminicient of Brave New World. I just hope things turn out well for the poor little boy that everyone seems to shun (except the commanders of course).

Ender's Game

Sorry it took me so long getting to this.  There was some miscommunication, and I wasn't able to get my hands on the book until yesterday.  Anyway, I think this will be a quick read.  We could probably do it in two weeks, but lets stretch it out to 3 just in case.  Looks like there's 15 chapters, so lets shoot for the first five chapters to be commented upon no sooner than Friday the 26th, chapters 6-10 no sooner than October the 3rd and the entire book no sooner than October the 10th.  Please feel free to suggest alternatives in the comments.

I Want to Go to the Fair.*

Okay, my nose is stuffy, and I'm disinclined to do too many drafts, so forgive me if this is a bit scattered. Also, some of this perhaps could go in the comments to Katie's post...

The Holmes stuff: His victims seemed to belong to the Victorian era of trust and decency whereas Holmes seems to be a product of the Modern era. Katie asks if serial killers are a newish phenomenon or if we just didn't know about them. While I'm no expert, I would think that they're a product of urbanization on some level, or rather the city allows them the space to act. The horror of this tale is definitely that the modern city allows for isolation, alienation, and duplicity in ways previously unknown. While Holmes's victims did seem a bit too trusting and needy, it was partially that they were ill-equipped to be on their own it seems. Not to seem like a proponent of infantilizing women, but part of the growing pains of women finding an independent place in society may have had to be that they learned to deal with the wolves of the world.

"With its gorgeous classical buildings packed with art, its clean water and electric lights, and its overstaffed police department, the exposition was Chicago's conscience, the city it wanted to become" (210). I find the title The Devil in the White City so apt because it truly embodies the two halves of the book, we have the darkness and evil of Holmes jarringly juxtaposed with the dream of the fair that was a testament to the good of man, the industrious heights that can be accomplished.

The Burnham/Fair stuff: I loved loved reading about the World's Fair--I've learned a bit about other ones: the Great Exhibition of 1851 in England that gave us the Crystal Palace and the one in Paris in 1889 that produced the Eiffel tower (and Chicago's benchmark), but to have one so close to home made me feel proud of the city even a century later. I was ridiculously excited and oddly choked up reading about the talleys of attendance on Chicago Day in the Fair--"751,026, more people than had attended any single day of any peaceable even in history" (319). Maybe I'm naive--but if that's the case I wanna stay that way--but it seems so inspiring that art and everything that it encompasses architecture, landscaping, etc. can be lived and be beautiful and be good.

(Court of Honor and Grand Basin of the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition.)

Sigh, but just as the Fair was burned to the ground (okay, Larson, a bit heavy-handed on the 'foreshadowing'), the book is over--when do we start the next one?

*Apparently, these do still happen, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to catch one anytime soon--unless...Shanghai 2010? Roadtrip, anyone?

The End!

So, I could be getting into some trouble here by not posting anything on Devil and the White City until now when I have finished the whole book and will post on it in entirety. I'm not sure when we are allowed to post on the entire thing since we have all took much longer than "the plan" of reading this book. Anyways, I was amazed at how much I liked this book, it being non-fiction and all. To echo all of you, it did kind of read more like fiction, a lot of times I forgot that this was stuff that actually happened. Growing up near Chicago, it was so neat to hear the descriptions of the city from a hundred years ago and hear how it's changed. It was neat to hear of the buildings that are still around. I don't think I have ever been to Jackson Park or the wooded island, and now I want to take a trip out there to look around. It's very sad to me that the buildings burned down and most are no longer around since I would have loved to see it and been there. I liked in the afterword how the author said how this city was like a dream city and inspired people to see that cities could be clean and powered by electricity. It was neat seeing how minimum wages and 8-hour working days came about, and how the Ferris wheel was invented. It made me kind of in awe at the architects and engineers for imagining these wonderful buildings.

Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I was really interested in the parts about Holmes and wished they were longer or had more information. I wonder how many people he really killed, I definitely don't think it was 200, but I also definitely think it was more than 9. I think I probably would have fit his victim profile, I'm sure I could be flattered into not even noticing he was some serial killer. I think because it happened so long ago, I wasn't really disturbed by it. Maybe also because he mostly gased the victims to death and didn't actually slash them or kill them in a very violent way. I guess if I had to be murdered, that is the way to go. Seems pretty painless. I thought there would be a more direct tie at the end between Burnham and Holmes, but it was more the juxtoposition of the dream city and the horrible crimes that were being done in/near it. I was also sad Holmes' Castle of Horrors burned down because I won't be able to go see that either. That place definitely sounded a bit creepy. And it's weird that he was one of the first serial killers in America, around the time of Jack the Ripper. It makes me wonder, were there not really serial killers before that and people started becoming more perverted in recent years, or did we just not recognize the patterns of serial killers before then?

I was surprised at the amount of freedom that women had at that time, I tend to think of the late 1800's as being pretty oppressive towards women, but they were able to work and live by themselves and travel to big cities without family, which was impressive (all things considered.) I like how Larson wrapped up everyone's story and told us what happened to everyone in the end. It is weird how after Holmes died all those people connected to him had horrible deaths. In all, I enjoyed this book. I guess there's a Devil in the White City tour of Chicago, and now I want to go and take it to see what is still around. It definitely made me feel a lot of pride for Chicago, in regards to its pulling off the fair and all the achievements that happened as a result of that.

Officially Bad and Booted

Sorry, I'm bad. I didn't read the book. I started to and then Chris found out about the murder part and told me I probably shouldn't read it...I have a tendancy to overreact to things like that and become extremely upset when pregnant - it's the hormones. Anyhow, by the time he finally finished it and decided I could just read the parts about the fair, the book was severley overdue on interlibrary loan and being waited on by other patrons, so reading it was no longer an option. I could go try and find another copy but it would take a while and we're being booted from our apartment at the end of this weekend so I'm very overwhelmed...hope you all will forgive me.

Devil in the White City: Part One

Wow! Not sure where to begin. I have a lot of disjointed not very fully formed thoughts on this book so far, so this is going to be a bit free form and disorganized.

Let me start by saying that I appreciate Sarah's willingness to venture into non-fiction. As a rule, I tell myself I don't much enjoy non-fiction, yet any time I have read it (not often) it seems I have enjoyed the book, so perhaps it is mere prejudice with little basis in fact. Anyway, I also really like that it is a subject I don't know much about, so despite being non-fiction I still don't know the ending. Let me demonstrate my ignorance. I have no idea if this fair ends up being a big success, or complete failure. Is the Sears tower the thing that is built to compete with the Eiffel tower? I don't know. That would be my guess, but I could be way off. Its all quite exciting to learn a bit of history but have it be presented in this manner.

I love reading about different time periods as well. I guess what I mean is, its fun learning about events in history, but I also like learning about the culture and atmosphere of our history. Look at how ugly Chicago was, how much crime existed in the big city. Interesting look into a time when unions held a lot more power. One of my favorit mini-stories in the book about the lieutenant being sent to Zanzibar to bring a family of 12 to 14 of the (dang it I can't remember the word it was something like fierce) little pygmies to the fair. Which, I wouldn't be surprised if that had an unhappy ending thus giving up Zanzibarbarians in the Muppets (or Rhubarbarians in Veggie Tales). Or the guy who bought the rights to exhibit an Algerian village and its inhabitants. Just a little different than our present day view towards other peoples.

Then there is the complete other side, the dark, ugly side. This is the part of the book I'm really not sure how I feel about. On the one hand, I can't help but be morbidly curious about how this will all turn out, and what exactly is going on. I'm frankly glad that so far we haven't had more than cursory mentions of disappearances without too much detail, but I worry about having to read more than that. Perhaps before being married and having two daughters I could have read this a bit easier, but now it is just a reminder of the fallenness in this world, and the potential dangers that forever lurk in places least expected. Perhaps as scary, is the looking into self that reading something like this forces. Could that have been me? Save for the grace of God, isn't that same psychopath somewhere in me that could have been released by the right circumstances. I want to say no, but something tells me that is nothing more than wishful thinking. I am very disturbed by the whole story, and not sure if that means it is a good thing or a bad thing that I am reading this.

Next Book...

Maybe I brought this up already before choosing my last book. Can't remember; but have any of ya'll read Ender's Game? If not, or if its been awhile, I think I'm leaning towards that book. I also have a fantasy series the first book of which is a possibility, but I believe that Eden is leaning towards a fantasy book with her next selection.

A little note!

For those of you who have seen Muppet Treasure Island...it turns out that Zanzibarbarians really exist! At least something akin to them according to the book! Too funny!

Why does Holmes' hotel remind me of the one in Angel?

Sorry that this is a whole week late. Just finished part one. Whew.

I really do like this book, it's just super hard for me to stay in it. I'm not used to reading any nonfiction and even though this is written more novel-like, there is still a serious lack of dialogue to break up very long paragraphs. That seems awfully juvenile of me, but visually it's easier to take in. Too much children's books, i suppose.

I find it funny or strange that Sarah pointed out the same thing I marked in my book. The exact same quote about the skeleton. I just wanted to say, 'well, how the hell do you know that?' to Mr. Larson. I mean, sure, he's writing it all down, but where does he get that idea? No reason for it to be any different than Holmes' word. Not that he's to be trusted.

Wow, is he spooky or what? I mean, just creeeeeepy. Makes me terribly nervous when I read his chapter/sections. But at the same time, I'm intrigued. I want to slap all those women for trusting him. A guy too smooth for his own good? Never, ever trust them. EVER! Sorry, those women are just idiots on some level. Maybe people were less wary back then. And the thing with animals and babies not being put off by him. My theory is that he never meant harm to the animals or babies, so they couldn't sense his weirdness.

Burnham is definitely interesting. I find myself drifting a bit in his chapters, but I think Larson does a great, great job of making everything so urgent. Like the whole bit with the eastern architects and olmstead and all the waiting. I just wanted to scream, 'make a decision already you silly people!'

There are some great quotes in this so far, though.

"enough so that each year Burnham bought a barrel of fine Madeira and aged it by shipping it twice around the world on slow freighters." (40) Now that's wealth!

"Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood." (41) Gives me good chills every time I read it.

"Chicago is like the man who marries a woman with a ready-made family of twelve," he said. "The trouble is just begun" (49) Made me laugh.

My heart was sad about Root. I liked their friendship. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt Burnham. Definitely a good cliffhanger to end part one on.

I realize this is unlike my other reviews as I can't seem to comment on the actual writing. Maybe it's my lack of nonfiction knowledge. Whatever it is, the writing isn't bugging me. Other than the fact that it's pretty dense.

On to the next bit.

The Devil in the White City: Part One

I'm rather enjoying this book. I was initially skeptical about the juxtaposition of the two halves of the book (Burnham vs. Holmes), that it would feel forced or like two separate stories, but I find it working for me. At first, I thought I would be more interested in the Holmes story because for some reason, I find true crime with serial killers rather fascinating, but I think I'm more interested in the planning and to-be execution of the fair.

One thing that I am a bit hesitant about, but don't know if this is common of history writers/books is the speculation. I realize to make it seem novelistic there has to be some reasonable assumptions made, but I question Larson's leaps into the psychological motivations of the characters, particularly Holmes'. For instance (on 39), Larson notes of Holmes's encounter with the skeleton, "The incident probably did occur, but with a different choreography. More likely the two older boys discovered that their five-year-old victim did not mind the excursion; that far from struggling and shrieking, he merely gazed at the skeleton with cool appreciation. When his eyes settled back upon his captors, it was they who fled." This seems to be pure speculation from what I can tell. Larson's suggestion that Holmes likely kept "the skulls of small animals that he disabled and then dissected, alive" is at least based on some observed psychology.

And then because of Larson's assumptions, I feel like making my own. Seriously, the lone sentence that reads, "Mudgett's only close friend was an older child named Tom, who was killed in a fall while the boys were playing in an abandoned house" makes me want to scream "He pushed him! He pushed him!"

One (semi-) narrator intrusion into the text that I did not mind however comes near the end of part one, as the architects are being wined and dined: "It was the first in a sequence of impossibly rich and voluminous banquets whose menus raised the question of whether any of the city's leading men could possibly have a functional artery" (97). I had to read it twice because I didn't expect the tongue-in-cheek humor.

By the by, I ran across this at my library. I haven't had time to watch this yet, but hope to at some point. It's a documentary about the '93 World's Fair called EXPO: Magic of the White City.

Pre-The Devil in the White City

I'm unsure how much background reading you guys want to do, but I figured I may as well toss up a link to some information about H. H. Holmes. I find it interesting, but I may have spoiled some of the intrigue in The Devil in the White City for myself.

The Alchemist

Wow! I was blown away by this book. I absolutely loved it. I agree with Sarah's comment, that in some ways it was refreshing for an author to be so blatant about its "message" as opposed to couching it in hidden sometimes hard to decipher allegory and metaphor. I will throw in, the obvious caveats that A. as Eden has documented the writing is not harmonious to the English reader and B. I have some obvious qualms about some of the religious views that were encouraged by the book.

However, the only strong objection I have is the preponderance of omens and signs. In some way, there is truth to the thought that God does speak to us in many ways through many things, natural and supernatural, however the point that is lacking is a certain amount of discernment. Those looking for signs will find them in many ways and places. Without discernment and grounding in the Truth, there would be great opportunity for misunderstanding and outright self-delusion. Other than that, I think there are a lot of truths that even though they are not clearly Christian, are things that really resonated with me. I really should make notes as I read, so I could reference how many times I said..."Yeah, that's right" and "That is so insightful". One of the ones that really stuck out to me though, was the comment by the alchemist, "The desert will give you an understanding of the world; in fact, anything on the face of the earth will do that. You don't even have to understand the desert: all you have to do is contemplate a single grain of sand, and you will see in it all the marvels of creation."

A thought....

I suppose I should ask the question since it occurred to me. What do you think about Fatima's Personal Legend? and her treasure? Does Coehlo suggest that there's similar value in hers, even though she was much less active in pursuing it? What does it say that the Personal Legend of the one woman we really see is fulfilled by meeting a man who finds her? Whereas as the men all have to do and pursue, sometimes travel at great lengths, to realize theirs?

The Alchemist Part II

As I wrote the title out for this post I found myself pondering the choice of the book's name. I like the name, The Alchemist, but at the same time the book could easily have been called something else. The alchemist played a key role in Santiago's journey, but so did several others. Would the book have been as popular if it was called Santiago? The Shepherd? The Quest? The King of Salem? The personal legend? What do other people think? I don't normally question an author's title, but in this case I find it intriguing because the conciseness of the story means the title has to have real meaning.

As for the story itself, I found it to be a charming little tale with lots of lessons and a happy ending. I enjoyed reading the book, but it's easy to see why it became so popular. Coelho's universalism appeals to people in all walks of life, all religions, all times. It is a feel good story that rolls multiple religions, mysticism and psychology into one sweet little package that appeals to most people. I of course do not agree with many of the religious implications made in the book, but I did find it intriguing. I appreciated the story and enjoyed reading the book. I'm actually glad it was on the shorter side though because in my opinion to draw it out would have made it stale, sappy and not nearly as good a story. Good job on Coelho's part, keeping it brief.

Honest truth here, I nearly laughed out loud at the end when I realized the treasure was buried right where the story started. It was one of those bang head against the wall moments while shaking one's head and laughing. Poor Santiago! I did appreciate that he actually found a real treasure and the implication was that he could go back and marry the girl he loved. So often the "treasure" in a story is figurative or a lesson learned and it's nice to have the hero discover an actual treasure for once. The beauty of it though is that he gained so much else in his journey to find it. If nothing else the book was a good reminder that God does work all things out for our good and that He is teaching us valuable lessons along the road of life as we strive for our own eternal treasure.

Alchemist 2.0

Just finished. There's lots to talk about--lots of quotes and ideas that could be pulled and discussed in detail for agreement/disagreement/synthesis with my Personal World View*. But that seems a bit exhausting to do on a blog. So, I'll just stick with some general comments:

Yes, there was plenty to disagree with, to question, to be suspicious of swallowing whole sale, but there was a lot that I liked. Often I feel so critical and perhaps cynical (or at least feel as though the world is) that I don't take time to dwell and celebrate on the good. I feel like culture (and sometimes myself) is too cool, too blasé to enjoy that which is supposed to be inspirational. And my cheesiness radar goes off like I was near a stack of Chicken Soup books...

But, sometimes, I think, it's nice to have a straightforward story that uses philosophy and ideas in a direct manner rather than subtly so that people can ignore them. It almost seems similar to what The Dark Knight does with the Joker as the embodiment of "an agent of chaos"; Batman himself self-consciously manipulating public personas so that people can have some inspiration in their lives, so that they can believe in something bigger than themselves.

Maybe that's a stretch; maybe I'm in a cheesy mood. Either way, the book made me happy that there are authors/people like Coelho who's ultimate goal seems to be to encourage others towards gen

*I didn't see all the capitalization until the second part since I listened to the first part. It did make me giggle--but I often use it to distinguish between truth/Truth, literature/Literature, etc., so I guess I can't judge too much.

Tis finished

"He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."

This quote almost made me love the book. It was just very true. I hate making decisions and dealing with the unknown. But it always turns out interesting.

However, I'd like to point out and this might have to do with the translation, that this quote is very wordy. Like so much so that it seems like bad writing. My workshop would have slashed this book to bits and it would have been probably half as long. :) There were also a few places where the next thought didn't make since. Once, when the boy is thinking about the pyramids and that he'll find out more the closer he gets, his next thought is about the king and the breastplate. It doesn't really follow.

I have marked at least ten places in part two that bugged me for some reason or other. But, to be honest, I don't feel like typing out each bit and then why it bothered me.

I get why people dig this book. It encompasses all religions and spiritualities so that it won't offend anyone. God here is a general god, not necessarily the one we all pray to. At least that's how I read it.

The prose is stilted in several places and goes on and on about things that really are just not that interesting. The boy's heart and the boy talking was like reading a sermon. In fact the whole book felt like a really long sermon. And for something I didn't really agree with.

The capitalizing of Personal Legend, Tradition, Soul of the World, etc., really bugged me. And I can't really explain why except that it seemed weak. To me the point of fiction (which this is) is to tell a story and let the reader take from it what he/she will. This book beats you over the head with philosophy and doctrines. I rolled my eyes more than a few times when reading it.

I like the idea of a journey tale. I'm all for those. New places, new experiences are so much fun to read. The desert and crystal store, were interesting.

"It's in the Bible. The same book that taught me about Urim and Thummim. These stones were the only form of divination permitted by God. The priests carried them in a golden breastplate."

I googled the stones and they do appear in the Bible (with the priests in the old testament mostly) and also in the history of Joseph Smith (founder of Mormanism). I can't tell how or if they were used for divination in the Bible. Maybe Chris can enlighten us with that Bible major of his?

In general, the love at first sight with Fatima? That whole section infuriates me. That romantic love (because that's the love it's talking about) is the most important thing in the world. Yes, love, in all its forms is huge. But to look at someone and love them instantly is either extremely rare or false. "No need for words." It made me like the boy and his story even less.

Santiago never really endeared himself to me. I felt bad for him when he was beaten, but it wasn't like I expected him to end up too badly. Nothing long lastingly bad can happen to this kid. And he is still sorta full of himself. Maybe that's just me.

Good quote: "It's not what enters men's mouths that's evil," said the alchemist. "It's what comes out of their mouths that is." So true.

"And he saw that the Soul of God was his own soul. And that he, a boy, could perform miracles."

Okay, I know God, using people, can perform miracles. But does God have a soul and is it ours as well? This didn't sit right with me. Thoughts??

So your treasure is in your own back yard. Well, maybe a little more complicated that that. I'm fine that he got his treasure in the end and the girl, presumably.

I'm glad I read it. Since it is such a big deal. Now if I'm at some party and people are talking about it, I can be an informed participant.

And I realize that I approach these books differently from the rest of you. With the writing workshops and such, I see it like a writer. I hope that doesn't annoy any of you. My brain is now programmed like that.

Till Devil in the White City!!

Next Book

Okay, even though I've pretty much talked with everyone. I'm making it official. Our next book is The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson. Here's my proposed schedule; let me know if it's not going to work for any reason.

8/8 - Prologue and Part I
8/15 - Part II
8/22 - Part III
8/29 - Part IV and Epilogue

So, a week late, but...

I finished Part One (I know, you would think if I chose the book I would be more timely about reading it), but I am really liking this book so far. I agree with Emily and Sarah about the strong Christian ties with the sheep/shepherd and Otherwordly characters who direct Santiago towards his treasure. I agree with Sarah that I am still a little leery about the spiritualness of this book, since I have read one other book by Paulo Coelho and am pretty sure that he is not a Christian, but I think that all truth is God's truth, and there seems to be plenty of truth in this book.

I really like the whole thought of one's Personal Legend. This is something I believe so strongly in, and I think it is true a lot of people start out when they are young with strong dreams and desires of what they want to be and do when they get older. However, like the Baker, as you get older, things get in the way and sometimes it seems easier to do what one is accustomed to verses striking out into something unknown. However, I think God really calls us to stretch ourself out of our comfort zones and go on travels to discover who we are, who He made us to be, and what He made us to accomplish. And this takes a lot of courage to strike out into the unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Yet, at the same time, it is something that makes us the most fulfilled.

I guess I partly like Santiago because I can kind of relate to him. I have always felt like I have wanted something more in life and that is important to go out and discover our "treasures" and personal story. It is tempting at times to blame the world and think that is it against us when something bad happens (like when his money was stolen--he wept because God was unfair, and because this was the way God repaid those who believed in their dreams). It can be easy to blame God when things go wrong, but I admire that he ultimately got over that and didn't stop him from pursuing his ultimate goal.

I am a little unsure of all this omen business and the rocks, but I think it compliments the story in a way because it is supposed to be written like a fable or fairy tale, and so in fairy tales often things happen that are very ominous and represent which way the heroine/hero should go. I think that is also why this story is pretty didactic, Eden, and pretty obvious about the point it is trying to make. I really am liking it, though, and can't wait to see what the treasure is, too. I, of course, hope it involves lots of pretty jewelry, so he can go back and marry his one true love. :)